I have the perfect social experiment in my house:  boy/girl twins.  From before birth, we prepared our house to be very gender neutral; we didn’t stock up on pink and blue items at all.  As they have grown we kept the toys gender neutral too.  We have both tools and dolls; bead sets and building blocks.  The toys get played with by both children.  In fact, there was a period of time when my son carried around his doll much more often than my daughter carried around her’s.  My son can be found with nail polish and a bracelet on.  My daughter can kick a ball with an amazing amount of strength and loves to build cities out of blocks.  Then they switch activities and my daughter is making necklaces out of beads and wearing a tutu while my son gets out all the tools and “fixes” his bike.

I love watching them play.  My daughter automatically assumes that an animal figurine or a character in a book (when gender isn’t obvious) is a girl.  My son assumes they are boys.  That goes along with the way their world is viewed from their own eyes.  While paying attention to this phenomenon, I realized that I tend to say “he” when referring to any animal/character whose gender isn’t obvious.  I have been pondering that lately and trying to figure out why I do that.  My daughter still views things from her girl point of view.  Somewhere along the way, I have lost that way of viewing the world automatically.  Does part of me view the world from a boy/male point of view?  Do I characterize weak creatures in books as girls and strong ones as boys?  I’m trying to pay more attention.

You may ask why I am so focused on this.  It is because in some subtle ways I HAVE placed gender roles on some things that take place in my house.  My husband LOVES to fix stuff.  I am quite capable of doing it too, but I like to let the guy have some territory in our house, so things that need to be fixed usually end up on his desk.  But now I hear the kids saying, “Mommy, it is broken.  Daddy will fix it when he gets home.”  Once I realized that was happening, I started saying “No…let Mommy get out the tools.  Mommy can use the tools too.”  I don’t want my daughter growing up to think she isn’t as capable as someone else in the hardware store.  I also don’t want my son to feel he isn’t a “man’s man” if he doesn’t grow up wanting to fix things all the time.

It is amazing how the typical gender roles can get branded into our brains.  It doesn’t seem to take much.  I can see how TV and the media could easily affect how children view men/women and boys/girls.  This is another reason I have stayed away from princesses and super heroes.  It isn’t just about teaching my daughter to be a strong woman one day, but it is also about teaching her to appreciate kindness and nurturing in men.  It isn’t just about letting my son know that it is okay to not be a tough guy that has to use his fists to fight off the bad guys, but it is also about letting him know that women can be his allies to make the world a better place.

Parenting comes with a lot of responsibility.  I never realized that in my goal to raise children, I might inadvertently be undoing some of the teachings that I have been purposefully engaging in.  One minute I am reading books to my children about kids getting to do all kinds of things; telling my daughter she is a smart kid (not girl) and telling my son he is a hardworking kid (not boy).  The next, I am unknowingly teaching them the typical gender roles in the world by mandating to my husband that I be the one to vacuum the floor (I do a better job) and he go adjust the seats on the kids’ bikes (because he is a cycling person).

I’m not sure I have the answer to any of this.  I’d love to hear feedback from all of you. I realize that kids are going to have interests…and I think that is great.  My son loves fiddling around with anything that has parts and my daughter is an artist.  We totally go with whatever they feel like doing.   I just don’t want their interests to be capped off by a fear that what they want to do isn’t supposed to be for their gender.  If she wants to be a mechanic and he wants to be a nurse…great.  If he wants to be an engineer and she wants to be a teacher, fantastic.  I just want them to be whoever they are and will be…from their own sense of self…not one mandated by cultural gender roles.  I just hope the world will grow along with them.

 Disclaimer: The purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of issues that face parents in pregnancy and parenthood.  This blog is not meant to replace treatment by a licensed mental health professional.   The content of this blog does not constitute mental health assessment, diagnosis, treatment, support or advice. Please consult a licensed mental health practitioner if you have concern about your mental health or in the case of an emergency, contact 911.  Reading this blog does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Bronwyn Shroyer, Bronwyn Shroyer LLC or BloomingFamilies.