Thinking about my first blog entry has taken me back over the years I’ve spent as a parent. I’ve found myself thinking about the day, nine years ago, when my wife announced she was pregnant. It’s been a happy and challenging journey since then, as we parent our three children. All this reminiscing has also taken me back to the days before I was a parent; when we were making decisions about how to actually go about the physical act of having children. At the time, I didn’t even realize there were different options or choices parents have. More than that, I certainly didn’t have much idea that fathers-to-be were able to be actively contributing to these decisions.
I can still recall clearly that moment when my wife stood by the kitchen cabinet and told me she thought she might be pregnant. I remember the little gizmo that she was supposed to pee on, and the anxious moments we spent waiting to find out if she was correct. Over the following weeks, we went to a women’s health center to receive whatever services pregnant women were supposed to receive during this time and listened to the doctors and nurses explain to us how things worked and what we should expect.
Somewhere along the line, we became disappointed with what we were hearing at the doctor’s office. I don’t recall exactly what it was we didn’t like, but I remember that my wife began talking to me about natural child birth options and how she thought this might be something we should look into.
At that point, I remember feeling surprised and confused. She was telling me she wanted to be actively involved in making decisions about her labor and delivery. She wanted to have her choices respected. She wanted her instincts about what was best for our baby to be incorporated in the process.
It seems kind of silly to say so now, but this was news to me. I didn’t realized either of us had any opinions or instincts in this matter. It was much the same as her telling me she was very picky about what sort of glass manufacturing process was used on her car windshield. I guess there are probably people who know about that sort of thing, but they certainly aren’t anything like us. I remember laughing at time, wondering at what point we had stopped to consider all the childbirth options. I certainly had never given the matter any thought previous to her pregnancy announcement, and suddenly she was telling me her thoughts on episiotomies (whatever they were), Pitocin (huh?), pain management techniques (say what?), and midwives (I think I heard about those on the history channel). When did she even learn about this sort of thing, let alone form strong opinions? And where had I been?
I hope I was supportive during that time. I certainly tried to be. But it was scary for me. I understood my role to be the protector and provider for this new family that we were going to begin. And natural childbirth seemed like a very questionable decision. Was this some kind of whim, sort of along the lines of trying out the Italian Roast coffee, instead of good ole Sumatra? It seemed like such a huge leap when our new baby was involved. I won’t bore you with the details of how we worked through all that, or discuss the compromises we worked out along the way. I do, however, wonder how many other BABS couples find themselves in a similar dilemma? A dad-to-be has a strange and unfamiliar role. A lot of BABS moms are strong women, willing to take a stand for things they believe in. Where does that leave a dad who isn’t sure exactly what’s happening or what he’s supposed to do?
I can only imagine many dads-to-be are seen as “resistant” or “hesitant” about the natural childbirth decisions. Maybe its just me, but I can’t help but think that while its difficult for dads to understand what they’re supposed to be doing in all this decision making, many moms-to-be struggle with wanting support and affirmation that they may not be getting. It seems like a recipe for a difficult time.
As with any tough times in life, this sort of thing can help a couple grow closer and stronger. It can be a strange and challenging road, though. I wonder if this sort of thing is familiar to others, or maybe we’re just an odd couple. Or maybe both.
