Find your inner celebrity and dress the part!

Red Carpet attire is encouraged.

 ”Swag Bags” for the first 100 guests to arrive.

 Heavy Hors D’oeuvres provided by

One World Catering and Events.

 Open bar with local wine & beer.

 $30 per person in advance, $40 at the door

Purchase tickets and find more information at

www.bloomingtonbirth.org/gala.

 SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2012

6 TO 9 PM

Deer Park Manor

1501 E. Hillside Drive.

I love watching them play.  My daughter automatically assumes that an animal figurine or a character in a book (when gender isn’t obvious) is a girl.  My son assumes they are boys.  That goes along with the way their world is viewed from their own eyes.  While paying attention to this phenomenon, I realized that I tend to say “he” when referring to any animal/character whose gender isn’t obvious.  I have been pondering that lately and trying to figure out why I do that.  My daughter still views things from her girl point of view.  Somewhere along the way, I have lost that way of viewing the world automatically.  Does part of me view the world from a boy/male point of view?  Do I characterize weak creatures in books as girls and strong ones as boys?  I’m trying to pay more attention.

You may ask why I am so focused on this.  It is because in some subtle ways I HAVE placed gender roles on some things that take place in my house.  My husband LOVES to fix stuff.  I am quite capable of doing it too, but I like to let the guy have some territory in our house, so things that need to be fixed usually end up on his desk.  But now I hear the kids saying, “Mommy, it is broken.  Daddy will fix it when he gets home.”  Once I realized that was happening, I started saying “No…let Mommy get out the tools.  Mommy can use the tools too.”  I don’t want my daughter growing up to think she isn’t as capable as someone else in the hardware store.  I also don’t want my son to feel he isn’t a “man’s man” if he doesn’t grow up wanting to fix things all the time.

It is amazing how the typical gender roles can get branded into our brains.  It doesn’t seem to take much.  I can see how TV and the media could easily affect how children view men/women and boys/girls.  This is another reason I have stayed away from princesses and super heroes.  It isn’t just about teaching my daughter to be a strong woman one day, but it is also about teaching her to appreciate kindness and nurturing in men.  It isn’t just about letting my son know that it is okay to not be a tough guy that has to use his fists to fight off the bad guys, but it is also about letting him know that women can be his allies to make the world a better place.

Parenting comes with a lot of responsibility.  I never realized that in my goal to raise children, I might inadvertently be undoing some of the teachings that I have been purposefully engaging in.  One minute I am reading books to my children about kids getting to do all kinds of things; telling my daughter she is a smart kid (not girl) and telling my son he is a hardworking kid (not boy).  The next, I am unknowingly teaching them the typical gender roles in the world by mandating to my husband that I be the one to vacuum the floor (I do a better job) and he go adjust the seats on the kids’ bikes (because he is a cycling person).

I’m not sure I have the answer to any of this.  I’d love to hear feedback from all of you. I realize that kids are going to have interests…and I think that is great.  My son loves fiddling around with anything that has parts and my daughter is an artist.  We totally go with whatever they feel like doing.   I just don’t want their interests to be capped off by a fear that what they want to do isn’t supposed to be for their gender.  If she wants to be a mechanic and he wants to be a nurse…great.  If he wants to be an engineer and she wants to be a teacher, fantastic.  I just want them to be whoever they are and will be…from their own sense of self…not one mandated by cultural gender roles.  I just hope the world will grow along with them.

 Disclaimer: The purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of issues that face parents in pregnancy and parenthood.  This blog is not meant to replace treatment by a licensed mental health professional.   The content of this blog does not constitute mental health assessment, diagnosis, treatment, support or advice. Please consult a licensed mental health practitioner if you have concern about your mental health or in the case of an emergency, contact 911.  Reading this blog does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Bronwyn Shroyer, Bronwyn Shroyer LLC or BloomingFamilies.

The BABS Boutique is having their annual Sweetheart Sale February 1st – 14th.  Get great deals on diapers, toys, nursing bras, water bottles, sippy bottles, and fleece pouches.  Want to grab a great deal a little early?  Stop by the boutique today or tomorrow and get the same sale prices before the sale officially starts.

Bonus: Mention this blog post and get an additional 10% off one item of your choosing (yes, even sale items)!  The bonus ends on February 14th.  Happy Valentine’s Day from the BABS Boutique.

Have you seen the new B is for Bloomington book? 

This is a lovely ABC book about Bloomington, Indiana.  It incorporates rhymes by Elisabeth Andrews with photographs from all over Bloomington.  Little ones will recognize the bears from the public library as well as photographs of the courthouse,  a Bloomington fire truck, and the dog in front of the radio station.  Don’t miss this great opportunity to read a sweet book with your little one.  You can pick up your copy at the BABS Boutique.

B is for Bloomington was conceptualized by a Leadership Bloomington-Monroe County project team (which included our own Georg’ann Cattelona, pictured here) and was brought to life by Monroe Smart Start and the Community Foundation.

We would love to hear your stories! What did your body crave/need during pregnancy? What was the first meal you had after your baby was born? If friends and family provided food in your “fourth trimester”, what was the best or most memorable meal that was gifted to you? Does your toddler like to help in the kitchen? What is your favorite thing to make with little ones? Have you taken food to friends on bed rest, during labor, or soon after their births?

If you have a story to share, and a recipe to go along with it, please send your contribution to bpdc.cookbook@gmail.com. Let us know how you’d like to be credited~ full name, first name and last initial, etc. You’re also welcome to include something along the lines of “A, mother to B, born 1/2/03″ or “Original recipe from C, shared by D, father of E”… You get the idea. Creativity, fun, community, and food!

While I’m at it, a few of my own favorite tidbits that won’t be in the actual book…

~ a dear friend who loved green apples more than anything else during her pregnancy
~ making messy, delicious concoctions from the Mash and Smash Cookbook with two of the little girls I nannied for
~ stocking my sister’s freezer and pantry around the time of my nephew’s birth
~ seeing two toddlers (also charges, many years ago) picking cucumbers and cherry tomatoes and munching happily in the garden
~ the beautiful scene right after my brother’s home birth (I was 17 and our mother was 46) as my mother sat on the floor, nursing my new brother and being fed homemade soup that had been simmering on the stove during the labor and birth
~ and recently, having the opportunity to cook for new families on a regular basis (some of my favorite recipes to take to others will be in the book!)

We (the postpartum doulas of the BPDC) look forward to hearing from you!

What made me stop and think about all of this recently was raising my children.  They did not like being put down as babies.   A lot of babies don’t though.  Being held is important.  So, that didn’t raise any flags with the letters HSC for Highly Sensitive Children printed boldly on them.  As toddlers they were TERRIFIED of other children.  That had me pause and contemplate why that was.  I just figured that it was due to them being twins and not wanting to let anyone else into their sphere.  Around age two they started to not like scenes in books that showed anyone being upset or afraid.  Then as I introduced very carefully chosen children’s videos for them to watch (Clifford, Caillou, Blue’s Clues, Dinosaur Train – pretty benign TV) it became very apparent by my son’s covering his ears or starting to cry and my daughter’s getting up to run around the room when something tense was taking place on the video that I needed to think about the reason behind these behaviors.

So, I went where a lot of us go when we need to learn something…I turned to parenting books.  Mostly the book listed above.  I found out a lot about myself, my family of origin and my family that I have now.  It all makes sense now why my son breaks down in tears when I am rushing him; why my daughter can read my feelings like a psychic.  I understand why stern talking, taking things away, time outs and yelling don’t work in my house.  They make us all feel damaged.  My kids respond better to being in my lap and a discussion.  They need role playing to help them feel comfortable with learning a skill.

Highly sensitive children/people aren’t odd.  We may choose to sit quietly on the side lines sometimes waiting to feel ready to be engaged.  Although this isn’t always the case.  My brother for instance, a highly sensitive person, was born ready to play basketball and be competitive with it.  We may not be ready to jump out onto the dance floor for dance classes at an early age or want a bunch of friends over at a time.  It can overwhelm us a bit.  But there is plenty about highly sensitive people to cheer and cherish.

After learning about this, I wondered why I hadn’t heard of this type of personality before.  I started thinking “twenty percent of the population is a pretty big number…I think other people should know about this.”  So…I’m blogging about it.  It has affected my parenting style.  I keep seeing all of these kids around me getting signed up for classes and sports and a bunch of other stuff.  I wonder “Am I allowing my kids to fall behind?”.  But…I’m not.  Not when I see them excel at the things that they excel in.  There will be time later when they feel a bit more sure of their worlds and ability to make friends to put them in classes.  Right now the thought of my kids having to see other kids get hurt playing sports is awful.  We just went to a play date with a wonderful little boy, his adorable younger brother and awesome mom.  My kids’ friend got hurt while we were there.  What stood out to me was watching one of my kids deal with the situation.  The response was to put hands over ears to deal with the personal pain that was caused by the knowledge that a friend was hurt.

Sports, classes, etc. will come when my kids are ready for it.  I’m going to have to really listen for what they are ready to do and give small, gentle nudges from time to time.  Just like anything else in parenting, I am going to have to hold on to my instinct about my children and try to block out the social pressure or personal pressure to do what other moms are doing.

If you think your child might be a highly sensitive child…I suggest you check out Aron’s book.  It was an interesting read.  She also has an online questionnaire that you can complete to see if you or your child fall within this 20%.

HSC Questionnaire

Disclaimer: The purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of issues that face parents in pregnancy and parenthood.  This blog is not meant to replace treatment by a licensed mental health professional.   The content of this blog does not constitute mental health assessment, diagnosis, treatment, support or advice. Please consult a licensed mental health practitioner if you have concern about your mental health or in the case of an emergency, contact 911.  Reading this blog does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Bronwyn Shroyer, Bronwyn Shroyer LLC or BloomingFamilies.

You’re acting like a three-year old.

I said these words to my son, who is in fact, three years old. We were walking into the YMCA and he was walking ever so slowly, asking me questions and getting frustrated with my apparently unsatisfactory answers. He stopped yet again to raise his voice at me, wanting to know right then and there what we were going to eat for lunch and argued with me that he wanted peanut butter and jelly for lunch. Tired of hearing him holler at me, I turned to him and made the obvious statement: You’re acting like a three-year old.

Really, he was.

As soon as I let that sentence slide from my lips, I could just feel the mothering goddesses shaking their heads at me. I knew that statement was ridiculous the moment I spoke it. And the sad part is that it didn’t make me feel any better. I needed my son to know that he was acting like a child (here we go again!) and inappropriately (okay, it was annoying me). Not that I was the model for age-appropriate behavior at that point, but still.

On an almost-daily basis, I find myself shaking my head at the things I say and do. Sometimes I close my eyes and take a dramatic breath, loudly releasing it in hopes that the volume of the sigh will make me that much more relaxed.

It works… sometimes. Mostly it seems to alert my children and husband that my nerves are fried, my exhaustion is clouding my judgement or I’m just feeling irritable. If I can find the right track in my head, then I hear myself reassuring my family that I’m just trying to be calm and I need a break. But, if I just can’t seem to find those words, escaping into another room and letting myself chill out is another solution.

Through the support I’ve received from friends, family and therapy, I’ve learned that it’s OKAY and in fact, HEALTHY to step away to find my patience. Waiting to speak until I know I won’t say something I’ll regret is hard sometimes, but ultimately a wise choice.

I’ve also learned from speaking with other mothers that it’s NORMAL to have these moments. Yes, I feel ridiculous when bystanders hear me tell my three year old son to “stop acting like a child”. I feel defeated when I leave a store, cart abandoned, after my child has thrown a temper tantrum and has attracted the attention of aisles 3, 4 and 5. Turning on the TV so I can immerse myself in a magazine and recharge my patience is FINE.

Here are some ideas for when your child is acting like a… er, uh, child, and you just need a break.

• Unless it’s a time-sensitive task that “must be done this very second or else”, stop what you’re trying to accomplish and ask your child what she needs. You may be surprised that you’ll meet her needs quickly by simply listening or doing and that you’ll be able to return to your previous task.
• Institute “reading time”- gather books, magazines, a timer and make sure your child has what he needs (water bottle, a snack, a potty break, etc.) prior to starting. Cuddle under a blanket together and share in some quiet reading and looking at books. It’s fine to ask preschooler to spend time looking at books on his own while you get in ten minutes of guilt-free reading.
• DRIVE-THRU! Sometimes a mama just needs that extra-large iced mocha and it’s worth the splurge if you’ve been having a rough day and need a recharge. Lose the guilt.
• Phone a friend- if you are having a tough day and your interactions with your child are adding to the stress, then call up a friend. Chat, ask her to come over or see if you can drop your child off for an hour (or two). To that end, if you absolutely need to have it quiet so you can talk honestly with your friend about how you’re feeling, it’s okay to put your child in a safe place while you have a chance to vent or share with a friend just how you’re feeling. A child-proofed bedroom, a pack and play or other similar set-up might give you the piece of mind to talk for a few critical minutes.
• Screen-time- I might have apologized for this in the past, but not anymore; giving my kids time to play games on the computer, watch a TV show or a movie has given me the time to renew my energy and be a better mom.
• Swap out the old for the new! If you have toys and books stashed away, now is the time to swap them for some of the older toys and books that are no longer played with or read. Providing your child with new (to them) toys can give you 15 minutes to sip some tea and put your feet up.
• Get perspective- if you’re regularly feeling frustrated with your child or feeling like you’re never fully recharged, then talk with someone. What you’re feeling might be solved with a night-out with your girlfriends but it might also require you talk with a therapist or other care provider. It’s a sign that you’re a GREAT mother when you can learn to take care of your emotional needs.

Happy Parenting!

Being a parent is tough.  Being a parent to multiples comes with a unique set of rewards and blessings. This group would be a safe place to share parenting strategies, information and concerns.  It is also a place to laugh and get some great tips as well as to have a place to talk with other parents who know what it is like to have twins, triplets, etc.

One of the questions I get all the time is:  “What is it like having twins?”  A family friend of ours who is a father of twins stated this as his answer to that question:  “Imagine that you finally get your baby to sleep.  Having twins would be like going back in, waking him up and starting all over again.”  I laughed so hard when I first heard that because it is SO true.

This father was a part of our original twin group when my kids were little.  Without the support of all the parents around me I wouldn’t be the mother that I am today.  But without the additional understanding of my “twin friends”, I think I would feel a little more lost at times than I do.

So, my hope is that you will join this new twin support group.  It will be informal and not guided by anyone in particular.  Bring your babies and your partner with you.  If you are interested you can e-mail me:  bronwynshroyer@gmail.com and I can give you more details.

This book, like so many other parenting books I’ve read, has really been a game-changer for the way my husband and I parent. Satter brings a unique perspective to the subject because she is both a Registered Dietician and a psychotherapist. She focuses her work mostly on the emotional and relational aspects of feeding and eating. Her “claim to fame” is the divison of reposibility in eating, which is this:
The parent is responsible for the what, when, and where of eating.
The child is responsible for whether and how much she or he eats.

Satter maintains that children “want to grow up with respect to eating.” They are hardwired to survive, right? So they need to eat and eat well. As long as we stick to our responsibilities as parents, they will learn to eat and eat well. Problems happen when we either don’t hold up our end of the bargain (we don’t provide regular meals and snacks, we don’t set consistent places to eat, we let the child be overwhelmed by too much freedom to choose what to eat). Problems also arise when we start to take over the child’s responsibilities (“eat your broccoli before you have a cookie,” asking a child to take a no-thank-you-bite of a new food, etc.).

Sounds simple enough, but you’d be amazed how counter-cultural it really is. Parents (and caregivers at daycare) are always fretting over whether and how much a child eats. It took us a while to help our daycare teachers understand that we didn’t need a daily report on which things M. liked in his lunch (and it took them a few weeks to figure out why he often ate a huge mid-morning snack!). I can’t even tell you how many conversations I’ve had with other parents who are worried that their child suddenly stops eating veggies, never likes meat, drinks too much milk, and on and on. Plus, I think we all know plenty of parents with older children who spend a lot of time “short order cooking” for their kids – the adults sit down to a nice adult meal and then mom or dad has to cook chicken nuggets for the kids because that’s all they’ve learned to eat.

Here’s how it works in our daily lives: we feed M. three square meals a day and 2-3 snacks. This means he has an opportunity to eat every 3 hours or so throughout the day. When we eat we give him the same thing we’re eating (or if he’s eating by himself, we make sure to give him a couple of options). He gets to eat however much he wants of what’s being served. Some nights he’ll taste a bit of everything at dinner. Some days he’s simply not hungry for lunch. Some mornings he leaves his bananas and waffles on the plate but eats 4 scrambled eggs. This is all okay. We don’t take much of an interest in what he’s eating. We don’t say things like, “Would you like to try a bit of cauliflower?” or “Gosh, I think you would really like this hummus,” or “What’s wrong, M.? I thought you loved mac n’ cheese.” We simply provide the food, at the table, at regular intervals, and allow him to decide whether and how much he wants to eat.

A word about snacks: snacks are really essential to making this work. Snacks are how you help your kiddo to feel like it’s okay to try new things, it’s okay to decline new things, and you’ll never have to worry about going hungry. So, for example, if we sit down to a meal that’s got several new or previously-unpopular items, I might think, “Uh, oh. What if M. doesn’t eat dinner?” Of course, I might then decide to do something like make steamed carrots with butter for a side dish because I know he usually eats those (and this isn’t short-order cooking because we ALL eat the carrots). But if we sit and he declines everything and wants to go play right away, that’s okay because he and we both know that there will be an opportunity for a snack right before bed. The pressure is off. Life is good.

Snacks, by the way, aren’t “treats” and they aren’t a reward for good eating behavior or anything else. Snacks are mini-meals meant to provide sustenance and enjoyment. Satter recommends that all snacks (and meals, too) include a protein, carbohydrate, and fat. This is less complicated than it sounds. Peanut butter on crackers? Check, check, check. Apple slices with cheese? Yes, that works. Oatmeal raisin cookies with nuts? You bet.

A happy accident is that this is causing us to eat better, too. We always have well-rounded meals and snacks. Plus – and this is the best part – mealtimes are pleasant. We’re not the food cops, watching over what M. eats. We are free to enjoy our own meals and each other’s company, knowing that he is learning wonderful skills that will serve him for the rest of his life. I can’t imagine feeding my toddler another way. Boy am I glad I listened to my old BFF from college when she recommended this book!