Five.

It truly amazes me that they are going to be five.  It has gone by so fast.

I often talk to moms in my New Moms Groups about the pressure to soak it all in.  The pressure to enjoy every single moment of motherhood and babyhood and toddlerhood because “it goes by so fast”.  Is the pressure internal or passed on by the generations that have gone before us who remember those little hands and baby days in a fog of blissful hindsight?  I think it is probably a bit of both.

But is that pressure helpful?  Does it make motherhood happier?  Does it make children happier to have a mother who feels so pressured to soak it all in?

I’m looking back from almost five.  I’m actually looking back from five times two.  Not only have I been trying to soak up the last five years of baby moments, toddler messes, and preschooler achievements, but I have had to share my time and energy between two darling twins.  I have NEVER been enough.  They have had to share me from conception. They had to fight for room in my body.  They have battled for attention and milk from my body.  They have sought special alone time from Mommy.  I have never been enough; rather, I have been more than amazing.

Looking back from five, I have a whole host of memories to cherish.  I have lessons learned.  I have blessings that I never knew I wanted.  And looking back from five, I can tell you this:  Don’t try to soak up every single thing or feel that you have to enjoy it all.  Motherhood isn’t always wonderful and glamorous and happy.  Motherhood can be hard and difficult and draining.  If you can end each day by just having soaked up a moment in the day…just one happy moment, then you have soaked up plenty.  Being truly present with your child in that moment is a gift to both of you.

It is okay to not enjoy every moment of motherhood.  It is okay.  Your duty in those moments of frustration is just to keep everyone safe.  Sometimes in those moments when my kids are driving me nuts, I just grab them and hug them. I hug them even though I want to run and hide in my closet.  It pieces us back together somehow.  Sometimes I don’t want to hug them, but once I do my anger usually fades and I get some energy.  As much as they drain my energy, it is so very ironic, that hugs from them rejuvenate me in those moments.  And then, do you know what I remember?  I remember that I hugged them.  I have many memories of doing that.  I cannot even tell you what I had been angry about or what they had been doing to annoy me…but I remember the hugs.  And I don’t have the guilt.

Looking back from five, I may not have soaked up every moment of my motherhood thus far.  And I can tell you for certain that I have not enjoyed all of it.  There have been moments of pure exhaustion and feeling like I have completely lost myself…that all I am is a request granter and a maid.  But it isn’t completely true.  That may be one reality of motherhood; I have accepted that piece, but it is just a piece.  Just as being a mother is a piece of me, not all of me.

Looking back from five means that I am the seasoned mother of many internal battles for that elusive perfection in motherhood.  I can tell you that looking forward from five, I will be doing less battling internally and more hugging. I will hold the four small hands that still reach for mine on a regular basis.  I will soak that up.  I will not beat myself up for feeling impatient for bedtime to come on a tough day and will not feel guilty for crawling into my bed at the end of the day with a good book.  I will soak up smiles and crayon pictures and Lego creations.  I will soak up the small voices singing songs, but will remember to let go of the nagging, crying, whining voices that make me what to scream.  I will soak up the moments of bliss and let go of the moments that I do not enjoy.  When I mess up, I will apologize to my children and try to make things better.  Looking forward from five, I will accept that I am not meant to enjoy it all, but I will so very much enjoy the moments that I do.

But what I have learned from having two babies and watching lots of my friends go through the same thing is that there is a lot about preparing for a baby that you’re not going to learn from a box store ad or a mainstream parenting magazine. So instead of trying to sell you stuff, I just want to share with you three things I’ve found to be true:

You don’t need everything “they” say you need.
It’s really difficult to know exactly what you’re going to need for your baby before she or he arrives. Every kid is different. Every parent is different. There seem to be some standard “biggies” that everyone thinks you need on your baby registry (crib, car seat, stroller, changing table, cutesy nursery décor). You may really need all that stuff and, if you do, enjoy making your registry! We discovered, after thinking about it long and hard that there were some of those things we could pass on.

Some of the best “baby stuff advice” came from my mom who laughed at me when I said I was perusing changing tables. “Changing table? No. You don’t want a changing table. You want a low dresser you can put a changing pad on top of. Then, when you’re done using it as a changing table, you still have a dresser.” Bingo, Mom. Well played.

We also knew we wanted to co-sleep, so we spent next to nothing on a crib (less than $100). Three-and-a-half years later we’ve maybe used that thing for a total of 3 hours of sleep time, so that turned out to be a good call.

We waited until our child was older to buy a stroller. In those early months we used our various baby carriers (Moby, Belle, Maya Wrap, Mei Tai) to transport the baby. Fifteen months into baby #2, we still don’t own a double stroller. We just don’t really like the hassle of a stroller.

We didn’t decorate our nursery. There, I said it. We had no theme. Our children do not seem to have suffered for it.

There are a lot of things you will need that they don’t sell at your local box store.
At this point you may be thinking, “Hey, Caela had her babies on the cheap! Good for her!” Well, don’t get so excited. We did end up spending a crap ton of money when our first child was born. We didn’t buy a nice crib, but we did invest in a king sized bed (for my giant pregnant body and for the family bed we were hoping to have). We didn’t buy an infant stroller, but we did buy a fancy jogging stroller later on. And you may have noticed from the list above that we bought a lot of baby carriers.

I am not a person who enjoys spending money. So when I made that spreadsheet, it was really to help myself come to grips with the reality that having a baby costs money. I made sure to include a lot of things on there that are not in the Babies R Us catalog, including:

• the amount we would owe the doctor and hospital
• the cost of our birth doula
• the cost of our Childbirth Education Class at BABS
• the cost of at least one follow-up visit with a lactation consultant at BABS
• the cost of maternity clothes, nursing bras, pumping supplies
• initial costs to open up a college savings account

We added to this list all the things we wanted to register for and came up with a total anticipated cost. We saved money throughout my pregnancy, each month, so we could pay for these things without me hyperventilating. It made the whole process a lot calmer for me. In an ideal world, I wish we had started saving sooner, before I got pregnant, because then we could have spread out the burden a bit.

Make friends with other parents soon. Even if it’s only via Craigslist or Facebook.
I have often said that it is the great irony of baby registering that when you are a first-time parent, you often don’t know any other parents to give you their old crap. But when you have your second child, you know a million other parents and everyone is trying to give you stuff…..but, of course, you don’t need any of it.

I wish I had known more parents when I was pregnant the first time around. Luckily, these days, you can find other parents’ cheap or free stuff online. There are all kinds of local groups on facebook (ask around at BABS) and, of course, there’s always Craigslist. Lots of parents are dying to unload their used baby stuff for free. It’s a great way to stock up without spending money AND it’s better for our planet to reuse as much as you can. Being kind to the Earth – now THAT’S a gift your baby can really use!

We’re not at the point of addressing the car seat recommendation, but we are at the place where we’ve introduced solids to our baby.

How is that going exactly?

Very lovely, thank you!

I learned of baby led weaning or otherwise known as baby led solids in the last couple years, and before I became pregnant, I didn’t give it much thought. If anything, it made me remember back to the days of feeding our older children. With our daughter, we introduced rice cereal then went on to pureed food. I took pride in preparing her first foods, and it was enjoyable to have her at the table with us during meals. But introducing solids felt a little stressful; was I supposed to offer her vegetables before fruits? How was I going to bypass her curious hands and get the spoon neatly in her mouth? And while some foods tasted great pureed, other foods simply didn’t lend the same flavor and definitely not the same texture. What to do about that?

With our son, born just a couple years later, I realized that not all babies are created equally. Our daughter happily ate foods with us right at 6 months whereas our son had tongue thrust and just did not seem interested in food right away. I wasn’t worried but I was curious about the difference. When he did seem more interested, I introduced foods to him via purees, though this time I was less “by the book” and simply pureed many of the foods we were already eating.

After our third was born, I started reading more about baby led solids. I wasn’t completely sold on the idea of forgoing purees, but I had heard positive things about this approach to introducing solids. I bought a copy of the book and started reading when our son was just a couple months. And I have to tell you, it completely changed the way I approached introducing food to babies. Baby led solids is all about letting your child be in control of what they eat. You simply provide the food and your baby does the rest.

When it came time to start introducing solids, I admit I was a little nervous. What if he chokes? How will I trust that he will gag out the foods that are too big to swallow? And what foods exactly can and should I offer?

The first food we went with was a lightly cooked green bean. I put it on his tray and waited. His brother and sister stood by watching this milestone. And our funny little baby picked up the green bean, put it in his mouth so the ends hung out of the corners. And he just sat there with this green bean kept in place with his closed lips! As we laughed in response, he smiled and dropped the bean from his mouth.

As the weeks followed, he experienced a variety of foods. It was lovely to see him pick up and bring to mouth the same foods we were eating.

While I’ve really enjoyed watching our youngest explore foods, there are times when I’ve wished baby led solids was faster, cleaner or easier to manage. When we offer foods, we need to make sure we are not quickly heading out the door shortly thereafter. And baby led solids means mess, even if you use a bib. And when I have tried to feed our baby yogurt, he happily grabs for the spoon and is upset when he’s expected to open his mouth and be fed.

All in all, I’m really happy I let my curiosity guide me in learning more about baby led solids. It’s definitely made this new stage fantastic to witness.

To promote and support breastfeeding in our community BABS is hosting a photo contest of local mamas nursing their child(ren). Submit your photo and vote for your favorites!

Submitting: You may submit a photo of you and your child(ren) breastfeeding by bringing in the photograph or emailing it to info@bloomingtonbirth.org. By submitting a photo, you give permission for it to be displayed at BABS and published on our social media.  A Photo Release form, available at the bottom of the page, is required with each submission and must be completed by the adult in the photo. Photos will not be returned but will remain at BABS. Please submit your photo by July 18th to allow time for printing and displaying.

Voting: The photographs will be displayed, assigned a number, and the community will be invited to vote for their favorites. Each vote is $0.25 and all proceeds will go to support the Lactation Center. The votes will be tallied and the winner will be announced on August 8th.

Prizes: Gift certificates to BABS and other amazing prizes will be awarded to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place contestants!

Please fill out the Photo Release Form and submit it with your photo to info@bloomingtonbirth.org or when you bring your photo into BABS! Thank you and happy breastfeeding!

Photo Release

Anyway, I wanted to share with you what our kitchen laundry system looks like because now that I’ve taken the time to think about it, I feel pretty proud of it. It keeps us from using disposable products and doesn’t add a lot of extra work to our overall routine.

We have three bins on a bookshelf in our kitchen that hold all the kitchen laundry One bin holds cloth napkins and bibs (sidenote: my favorite bibs are some terrycloth towel pull over bibs we got from Etsy – love those things). One bin holds all the dishtowels. One bin holds the “cloths.” The cloths are a mixed bag – old washcloths, baby washcloths, preemie-sized prefold diapers, etc. We use these for wiping up our kids after each meal, wiping down the table and counter, cleaning dishes, etc. They are all-purpose and, yes, we just call them “cloths.” It’s silly. Whatever.

So, we have a small laundry basket in our laundry room, which is downstairs near our kitchen. After we clean up a meal (or maybe at the end of the day) we take all the dirty cloths, napkins, bibs, and dishtowels to the laundry room basket. Whenever we do a load of laundry, we dump in whatever is in that basket. It’s usually about ¼ of the load. After the load is done we just sort those kitchen items back into the kitchen and we’re ready to go again. It doesn’t feel like it’s adding any extra work. But it is helping our budget (paper towels would be super expensive given the amount we would use in a day!) and it’s helping the planet. Plus, the reusable napkins and cloths work so much better than the disposable.

How about you? Do you use cloth items in your kitchen? What’s your system? I would love to hear your tips and ideas.

I’d like to say I was the ever-supportive wife, cheering you on from the sidelines. But I think anyone who read the title of this little letter knows that was not the case. When you took half the back yard and made it into a(nother) limestone-rimmed flowerbed, I complained mightily. “Our yard already sucks for kids! There’s no room for a swingset! We can’t grow grass in half of it! We already have all these other dumb plants! Can’t we leave part of the yard empty? Stop putting rocks in the yard. M is just going to trip over them and smash his head open!” (Editorial note: I may have said these things in a kinder way but now you know what I was really thinking. And let’s not forget I was also in the midst of postpartum mood swings.)

Three years later, I feel entirely different. We now have two boys who toddle and run through the back door to play in the yard. We spent an entire Saturday afternoon a few weeks ago playing with piles of mulch after the “mulch guys” dropped off the annual load. In the winter we watch birds and feed the squirrels, thanks to your never-failing love of them. There are abundant sticks to play with – and I think we all know no child needs a super-sized slide when there are sticks(!).

Our yard may not have the things I thought kids needed to play with – swings, plastic slides, other random crap Lowes tries to sell you – but you know what it does have? Living things. Plants. Bugs. Animals. Compost. Dirt. A hose. Tools for digging. Wheelbarrows. A picnic table for sharing meals outdoors. In short, it has everything a child needs to inspire hours of imaginative play. And slides? I mean, come on. We live within walking distance of 3 awesome parks. Why waste space in our yard when we can just go to the park?

And you, I’m certain, have noticed that M’s favorite thing to do in the yard is walk around and around and around that limestone bed of rocks. He pretends he is a train. Or he sings songs to himself. Or he just tells us about his day while walking around and around. I’ve only seen him trip a time or two. But his balance is like yours. He’s never yet bashed his head open.

Here’s hoping he learns a few more things about how to relate to the natural world from you. Cause the good Lord knows he ain’t getting it from me. You were right about the yard. And I love you for it.

Sunday, June 9th from 12:00-6:00PM at BABS

Supply Fee $15 ($25 with box lunch)

Retreat Fee (Sliding Scale) $25-75

Box lunch from Bloomington Bagel will be available for purchase (menu will be sent out to you prior to the group if you choose this option) or you may bring your own lunch.

Call or stop by the BABS office to sign up. Phone: 812-337-8121 Address: 2458 S Walnut, Bloomington, IN 47401

Itzy Ritzy Snack Happens Reusable Snack Bags Despite the ridiculous name, these are the best reusable snack bags I’ve found. They are sold locally at O’Child. They aren’t cheap, but you get what you pay for. The inside is basically the same material as the inside of a wet bag for cloth diapers. And they zip. I’ve had several other styles of reusable bags with Velcro and it makes me crazy in the washer. Plus, the waterproof fabric on these seems to keep the snacks fresher than the ripstop used in many other brands. We love these and use them every day.

Easy Lunchboxes I shopped around for a long time to find a set of reasonably priced, divided lunchboxes. These have a large container and two smaller once. I would have preferred metal or glass, but I really wanted the option of making up multiple lunches at one time and then stacking them neatly in the fridge. Back when we had just one child, I often packed his whole week of lunches on the weekend and then just grabbed them out of the fridge in the morning. It was pretty great. If you buy them directly from the manufacturer you can also get a matching insulated bag that will hold up to three of them, stacked. Love this for impromptu picnics.

Zo-Li On the Go Snack Dispenser These stacking containers are great for containing several items in a neat cylinder. There is a small size, which is about a half-cup and a larger size which is about a cup. We have them both and like them. Sometimes I have a hard time getting them to thread just right and it takes a minute to screw them together but, on the whole, we like them a lot.

4 ounce Ball Jars Lately we’ve been trying to pack more and more of their food in glass because I’m not convinced plastic (even the BPA free kind) is the safest choice. Plus, their food is often reheated at daycare and if I send it in glass I’m more confident it’s being reheated in glass. We love the 4 ounce Ball jars. They are very sturdy and hold the perfect amount of food for young kids. We purchase ours locally at Bloomington Hardware. Their prices on Ball jars are even lower than Amazon’s.

Baby Bottles I don’t know why it took me so darn long to figure this out, but baby bottles are ideal for transporting milk or other liquids. We use our glass Evenflo bottles with lids (instead of nipples) to transport 4 ounces of milk (they also come in an 8 ounce size). Then we can transfer it into a sippy or open-mouthed cup. They are glass, which I love. Sidenote: if you have any leftover Medela colostrum bottles keep those bad boys. They are fabulous for transporting salad dressing. I do sometimes get weird stares from moms who know what they are.

JJ Cole Essentials Blanket There’s nothing like an impromptu picnic. We keep one of these blankets in the back of our car at all times. We absolutely love it. It’s compact and lightweight. It has a strap for easy carrying. It folds up quickly and neatly. And it’s pretty.

What about you? What are your favorite reusable lunch and snack toys?

In the name of normalizing nursing, I would like to share my family’s experience of nursing our sons, X and S, currently 25 months and 2 months old.

I never intended to tandem nurse. In fact, I didn’t give it much thought when my first son was born. I was a new mama, hopeful to breastfeed my son until he no longer needed it. My plan when he was born, the one that I shared with his doctor, the lady at the WIC clinic, and the nosy stranger bold enough to ask, was that we would nurse until his second birthday, and then re-evaluate. Although I was nervous about breastfeeding (typical new mom stuff– would I make enough milk? would I be confident enough to nurse in public? would it hurt once he got teeth?) I never doubted that we would make it to the two year mark. X nursed beautifully from his first latch, just minutes after his birth. He continued to “have ba” (his words) on demand. We allowed him to start exploring food at five months, but he continued to nurse as his main source of nutrition throughout his first year of life. On his first birthday, I remember telling my sister-in-law the 2 year line, by now repeated so many times that I hardly had to think about it. And then I got pregnant.

My new pregnancy could have meant the end of nursing for X, then 14 months. But I didn’t want to stop, and neither did he. So I researched, and I talked, and I thought long and hard about what was right for me, for my son, and for our family. For us, the answer was, as it always had been, to keep nursing X until he was two, and to re-evaluate then. Even though by the time he was two, he would be a big brother.

My decision was met with some resistance. First, to continue to breastfeed during pregnancy, and then, to continue to nurse both children when the baby arrived, confused, astounded, and surprised some people. My mom was worried– is it safe for the baby? (It was.) My dad was baffled— so is X all done now? (He wasn’t. And isn’t. And doesn’t have to be.) Strangers were curious– you can keep nursing even though you’re pregnant? (You can.) Didn’t your milk dry up? (It did, by about 20 weeks. But that didn’t slow X down. He kept right on nursing, with the same frequency, duration, and enjoyment that he’d always taken from “ba”.) Not all the response to my choice was negative. I decided to share my plans with my OB (some women don’t, and others flat out lie). I didn’t have to tell him I was still nursing, I just nursed X in the exam room at my appointment. So you’re still nursing this one? (Yep.) And you’ll nurse them both together when baby gets here? (Right again.) I don’t see any reason why not. (Good. Not that I asked.) My husband, along for the ride on most parenting decisions, never questioned me at all.

So there we were, nursing through pregnancy. As my belly grew, my milk diminished (and likely changed flavors) and my hormones raged, my son never complained. But I felt  that he needed coaching, practice, and time to adjust to the idea of sharing his “ba.” We’re going to have a new baby in our family, I explained to him, and new babies nurse. They drink “ba”. All the time. He brought me his baby doll. He made me nurse it alongside him. He smiled. And that’s when I knew he was ready.

Three weeks before X turned two, we welcomed S into our family. He nursed with gusto just minutes after his birth. The sensation of newborn nursing after adjusting to a toddler with a mouthful of teeth was like going back in time. A lot of having a newborn felt like pressing the reset button. My mom brought X to visit us in the hospital, and X and S nursed together for the first time within minutes of meeting each other. Brothers.

X and S hold hands when they nurse together, and X has even stroked S’s hair. X is empathetic to S’s cries, and tells me that “S need ba!” Of course, half the time, X follows that with “need ba too!” X was so thrilled that the milk was back in full force that he resumed nursing around the clock instead of his four daily sessions schedule that he developed during my pregnancy and S has had some trouble with the milk volume. When S was 5 weeks old, he was diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie. Without his brother’s suckling to establish it, my milk supply may have dwindled. Happily, after surgery to release the restriction, S’s nursing has improved, and we haven’t had to supplement his diet. We’ve also dealt with engorgement. I let X take a few minutes of foremilk and put S on for the cream.

Toddler nursing is uncommon enough in our culture that many people rarely see it– tandem nursing is even more rare. My boys and I have tandem nursed out and about a few times to an overwhelmingly positive response. Some people have been curious, and one mom, who did not tandem nurse her children, 20 months apart, confided to me that she wished she had known some tandem mamas back then, and perhaps she would have.

So that’s our story so far. X’s second birthday has come and gone. We decided to re-evaluate again in six months, after the summer is over and when S’s crazy newborn phase is just a memory. Tandem nursing is working for me and my boys. If you see us out and about, feel free to stare (for a second or two) but please also say hi. Even though I’m nursing two, I’m just like you– navigating this parenting journey and trying to make the best choices for my family.

For more information on tandem nursing, please consult Adventures in Tandem Nursing, by Hilary Flower.

Another great resource for toddler nursing and nursing during pregnancy is Mothering Your Nursing Toddler, by Norma Jean Bumgarner         .

Both titles are available through the BABS lending library, the Monroe County Library, the LLL lending library, or for purchase in the BABS boutique.